Amber Alert for Aaron Rodgers

"Have you been wondering where all the contesticles got their terrible personalities from? No? Well we're going to show you anyway in an agonizingly long 2 hours!"

Our first trip is to Colorado to visit the human ambient pill Chase. Blow Out & Mongoloid sit on a jagged cliff in front of what I assume is a green screen because the backdrop looks like a screen saver. The reason I think it's fake (besides the fact that everything on this show is) is because due to global warming the snow would have already melted by the time Mongoloid was finished mumbling his sob story of his parents being divorced. He keeps talking about his parents being divorced as if they're both in prison for manslaughter. I guess we now have to be subjected to not just one but two boring home visits because his parents can't even put on a united front for weddings,graduations or national television.

"The divorce was REALLY bad....lawsuits & stuff"

Well at least neither of your parents had to fight over who got custody of your personality.

They go to Mongoloids house & see his staircase. He has clearly fallen down those stairs many times which explains his apparent brain damage. Blow Out keeps saying "This house is nice!" I guess she IS funny!

The doorbell rings & he mumbles "It's my dad...I haven't seen him in a really long time...ok"

WHAT?! If you don't even see your dad why the fuck do we have to?!? ughughughgugh. I guess producers knew that since they don't have some bullshit outside activity set up like dog sledding or snow boarding to distract us from their lack of connection we need to bring in reinforcements. Mongoloids dad didn't even want to be around him & I don't blame him.

His dad arrives & they hug each other as if they both have terrible sunburns all over their bodies. They all sit down on the Ashley furniture couch & Mongoloid decides to use this time to confront his dad about leaving the family. I guess those SciFy movies are true, robots WILL  turn on the person who created them.

Why have this conversation with a family therapist when you can have it in front of the girl you have been fake dating for five weeks, ten producers, five camera operators & the boom mic operator!? At least if your dad tries to abandon you (again) during this discussion the camera crew can run after him like on Cops or How to catch a Predator!

Mongoloid is like that terrible Eddie Murphy movie 1000 words so I guess the reason he hasn't talked all season if he was saving all his words up for this.

Quote "I m just having a hard time figuring out why it hasn't worked..why did not.....your first marriage work out?"

Aaaww sweetie, you don't have to say "you're having a hard time figuring out" I think that's already implied...

I know you're as dumb as your stairs look, but do you really not get that 50% of marriages end in divorce?  His dad seems nice & this scene is like watching if two robots were on Iyanlah Fix My Life.

My body feels like I drank a gallon of NyQuil. They should have a disclaimer before Mongoloid's scenes that you should not drive or operate heavy machinery after viewing.

We now have to go visit his mom & his sister-who apparently couldn't be bothered to wash her hair or put on mascara before going on national television. Mongoloid & his sister talk about how the divorce really affected their childhood & now it makes it difficult for them to have normal relationships. They talk about their childhood like it was the inspiration for the movie "ROOM". Get the fuck over it, if Jaycee Dugard can move on so can you.

Blow Out & his mom go outside & sit on a broken ski lift. The ski lift has the best personality out of the whole family. Blow Out gets in her Uber Black to go visit a family rift we ACTUALLY care about.

We go to Chico California which would be much more interesting if it were Chino California where Ryan Atwood is from. They have Blow Out do her confessional in a bush in the forest as five deer go running by. That is by far & away the most exciting thing to happen this season. I wish we could see how many interns they made go run through the forrest trying to chase deer into running in the right direction for camera.

It's a hometown visit so where do you think he brings her? His highschool of course! Cue the song Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen. They walk up to the school & on the sign outside it says "Welcome  Jordan & Jojo"

She squeals "OMG! This is AMAZING! I can't believe you did this!"

Calm down, that sign was just flashing the Teacher of the Month two seconds earlier. We meet his coach & Jimmy Newtron passive aggressively says "he decided he didn't want to start me!" oh so it wasn't just the NFL coaches! It's a shame he's way to vain to cover up his face & hair in a mascot costume because with his height & desperation to be part of a team I think he would have been great at it.

They go into the school library & he pushes her up again the history books session & dry humps her. This is the closest he's cum to reading a book in a long time...

They go into a janitors closet I mean an "office" that the interns had to transform with wall to wall photos of sweaty young football players from ten years ago. Even Jerry Sandusky didn't have this many pictures in his office.

Jimmy Newtron says "I bet you wont be able to find me in all these pictures!" Literally 2 seconds later Blow Out points & goes "Is that Aaron?" wow! She's amazing at Where's Waldo Where's Olivia Munn's Boyfriend?

He asks her "Do you want to see the football field?" aka  "Do you want to see where I had the most success of my whole life?"

Well we do know that high school quarterback who peaked in high school IS her type!

As they sit on the dirty bleachers in her white jeans she asks "I know your brother AARON isn't a part of your life right now, so is it weird to talk about? Should I not bring it up as a topic?"

He answers "Yeah, no, it doesn't have to be brought up or a topic, yeah I'll tell them we discussed it briefly, so it's not a topic, ya know?"

No, we actually don't know because you gave us three different answers.

They walk up to the house compound which has a fountain in the driveway big enough for the entire cast of Friends to dance in. She is holding a much more expensive flower bouquet than the one she brought to Mongoloid's mom which looked like they gave a PA a flower budget of $12. Jimmy Newtron is carrying a small gift bag, is it normal to bring your mom a  hostess gift? I wish they would show what's in it, I'm sure it's a bunch of discount items from the ABC store. Congratulations Rodgers' family! You're now the owners of a brand new Blackish coffee mug!

Blow Out's confessional - "I know Aaron won't be here, but I'm excited to meet the other brother luke & the other family!" Sure you are.

Luke the brother no one cares about

His dad looks like he's using one of those weird snapchat filters, that or his dad is Jeff Daniels who got his head smashed in an elevator.  The brother Luke looks like Jimmy Newtron's "before" picture if they were in a Hydroxicut commercial. It's insane how all the men in the family look-alike, just in different stages of life. The dad is a terrifying Frankensteintrout ghost of christmas future.

The mom tells a delightful story over dinner "Jordan used to always try to run away, but we told him if he did we would call the police so instead he would just stand at the border of the property with his backpack glaring at us!"

There are two giant empty chairs at the head of the table, I wonder who those could be for?!?!

Blow Out goes to talk to Luke the Joey Fatone of the Rodgers family. She decides to bring up Aaron for the 17th time in this episode. Luke looks more uncomfortable than Mongoloid's dad. "We don't really discuss him" not taking no for an answer or missing out on the chance to meet Olivia Munn she continues with the forbidden subject.

"I can't imagine what it's like for you & the family to have this divide. I mean Aaron...that's your brother! That's Jordan's brother, that's your parent's son!'

Blow Out has a future working for Ancestory.com!

Aaron is even blurred out of the family pictures, he is so far estranged that he apparently won't even sign ABC's photo release to show his likeness on camera! But we do get to see Jimmy Newtron's picture that makes him look like the team rapist.

I'm so curious about the skeletons in this family's closet. A son who constantly tried to run away from home & a son who won't come home at all means they are a three-part Dr. Phil episode waiting to happen.

Before she leaves for the airport Jimmy Newtron makes out with her & whispers "Don't ever doubt this"

*This-My desire to be the next Bachelor

Now we visit former swimmer/current homosexual Robby in St Augustine, Florida. Ken Doll is in his signature salmon.

He tells her "I have a hard time whistling so can you do it for me?" Oh c'mon Robby you whistle, just pretend you're in the audience at a Chippendales show!

She whistles & we see a horse carriage come around the corner. We've had more horse scenes than hot tub scenes this season!

He asks the driver of the horse carriage "Our carriage drivers name is Robert, is that you?"

Apparently horse carriages are the Ubers of St. Augustine you want to make sure you get in the right one. Gay Ken Doll says "Wow I can't believe your names Robert too, we're the same!"

No, this Robert has a job.

They start the carriage tour & Gay Will Forte gives boring facts about the town but unfortunately not one about why there are people dressed in full pirate costumes walking the streets. Blow Out keeps saying how impressed she is with how well he knows the town. I agree, I bet he knows all the best glory holes & tanning salons in town!

They go to his home & she is carrying a bouquet that I'm sure Robby arranged himself. He is carrying 6 gift bags like he just came from a Mary Kay party. This is the first family visit in the show where it appears everyone is still on speaking terms with each other.

Blow Out & his mom sit on the bed with their shoes on (barf) & his mom mentions how close Robby & her are and that they tell each other everything. A gay man being close with his mom? Shocking. Blow Out tells the mom that she's falling in love with Robby "I wasn't sure at the start of the date but after the ride & meeting you now I'm sure" you changed your mind after 3 hours of Florida humidity? You're as insane as Alex the toy soldier!

The mom then goes & talks to her hair dresser son & tells him "There's an issue out in the world"

Hunger? Poverty? Donald Trump?

No, something MUCH worse.

"Your ex girlfriends roommate made it look like you broke up with her to go on the show"

His response "In person or on-line?"

Yes Robby, she's doing it in person. She's been standing in the town square shouting it at the top of her lungs!

His face is now the same salmon color as his shirt. I can't tell if it's because he's angry or if it's because he forgot to wear his SPF tinted moisturizer on the carriage date. He decides to go tell Blow Out right away who is still sitting on the bed with her shoes on (barf.)

He tells her what's going on & she begs him to tell her the truth. "You broke up with your girlfriend of 4 years 3 months ago, is that the same time you found out you were going to be on the show?"

He responds with "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! That's not it, no!"

The more you say the word "no" the more it's a clear "yes".

She tells him how this terrifies her that he could be here even though he's not over his ex from 3 months ago because she's so CLEARLY over Ben who broke up with her 3 months ago.

Her car is here for the airport, it's raining as he walks her out with an umbrella so he doesn't mess up his spray tan. She gets in the car & he leaves the umbrella right in the street, you know like how you always leave your umbrella!

We now go to Texas to visit Luke the non blinker. We have shots of him walking on a train track & various shots of him leaning against a wall with a "pensive" look. Like Mongoloid & Zoolander, he only has one look.

He greets Blow Out & it looks like a hollywood set of an abandoned western town, there are no cars or people.They of course go sit on a bench, jesus they've sat on more benches this season than I have my whole life. I thought public benches were for the homeless & for at risk youth to graffiti?

She's wearing a stereotypical "hot girl trying to look country as a last-minute Halloween costume" with white cut off shorts,a chambray shirt that also buttons up the back for some reason, and cowboy boots. She didn't even wear cowboy boots when she was on the horseback riding date!

Non Blinker drives her around in his giant pickup truck & I'm sure production had to cover the picture of Calvin peeing on a picture of Bin Laden.They drive down a dirt road & she sees a bunch of cars parked in  field "Why are their so many cars?" a better question would be "why do half these truck have nuts hanging from them?"

The reason there are so many cars is because he turned meeting his family into a hootenanny. There are 50 people there, so basically everyone who lives in the town which explains why the general store was closed. Half the crowd looks like they all made their shirts from the same picnic blanket.  As Blow Out is stuck with the crowd of chewing tobacco Non Blinker & his dad go sit on the porch in rocking chairs like they're sitting outside of Cracker Barrel & talk about how much he likes staring at Blow Out.His dad seems nice even though I'm sure we disagree on basically every issue.

As they sit at the table & talk about how great barbecue is which its clear Blow Out must have eaten a lot of it as her lipstick is perfectly in tact & the white shorts are still spotless. Non Blinker announces he has a surprise for her.

You can see on her face she's thinking "Is it Aaron Rodgers?! Please be Aaron Rodgers!"

Non Blinker & her go walk in the pasture & what a surprise! There just happens to be a perfectly constructed couch made from hay bails & decorated with lantern like it's the set of a Lady Antebellum music video. They sit & make out as the sun sets perfectly behind them. It's like the Lifetime channel's version of a Nicholas Sparks movie, normally Luke just looks like the guy who would play the stalker ex boyfriend in a Lifetime movie.

They spend the entire date with their faces an inch apart.He then takes her to a pathway of  mason jars leading to a giant heart made out of wild flowers-nicely done interns! Hearts are so hard to make even!

They stand in the middle & make out as a country song plays, thankfully it wasn't a James Taylor Rescue Puppy original. He tells her "You make my heart smile" Clearly Luke takes his lines from Matthew McConaughey. You can almost hear every woman in middle America's ovaries exploding.

Me? I'm more focused on Jojo's hair which after all these outside dates in sweltering heat & it never frizzing or falling once I'm now thinking is a wig. This whole hometown visit looked like it should have been on the CMT channel.

We now go the Pro Flowers rose ceremony that's being held in a plane hanger because Chris Harrison doesn't want to waste time having to drive from the airport to set for his contractional 5 minutes of work so he demanded that they just do it there.

It looks like a Mens Warehouse commercial meets  Oceans 11.We see a private plane waiting to whisk the final 3 off & I'm really hoping that Jake Pavelka is the pilot. The red carpet they have set up is longer than the relationship all last.

Blow Out is wearing an amazing electric blue gown that looks like she's going to the Emmys. She clearly was hoping she would get to wear it to the Espy's cough cough.She says in a confessional "I think I have to get rid of Luke" seriously? HOW the fuck is Mongoloid still there? Did he promise you a lifetime supply of Xanax bars?

Right before she starts the elimination  the producers give him the cue & Non Blinker says "Can I tallllk to youuuu for a secondddd"

She says "Sure!" like this is normal procedure. They walk down the ridiculously long red carpet out of the plane hanger & the guys all sit there blankly staring. Jimmy Newtron is annoyed, Mongoloid is too busy thinking of what sound an airplane makes & Robby is too busy picturing a Broke Back Mountain situation with Luke.

Outside Non Blinker says in full Kardashian vocal fry "Listen when you were visiting my familyyyy.. I didn't tell youuuuu what I should have told youuu..... and after you left i couldn't stop thinking about it....I should have told you that I love you but I didn't have timeeee"

Yeah instead you were too busy debating your family over bbq. It also takes you 5 minutes to say one sentence. He does a longer pause between each word than Maury reading paternity results. He then goes back in line as the guys just stare right ahead like they're at a urinal.

Outside the plane hanger Blow Out is crying without any tears & pacing back and forth in the gown so fast that she must still be wearing the cowboy boots under the dress.

She just starts frantically talking out loud "What do I do..... I don' understand why he did this now.....I can't make this decision....I can't breathe.....I can't do this!"

She then squats down in the gown like she's peeing because she doesn't want to have to pass the guys in order to get to the plane hanger restroom . We then see "too be continued" flash across the screen.

NO! God fucking dammit! How much longer can this go on! How the fuck did we have to see these hometown visits & we STILL haven't seen Jojo's crazy brothers & her wino mom?

We've seen them as much as we've seen Aaron!

The best part of this episode-Blow Out's gown

The worst part of this episode-the other 118 minutes

Next week there are 2 episodes (fuck me) and one is the Men Yell All episode so at least we get The Chad back!

I love you for reading my Kittens!

XO

A.

Uruguayyyy too Boring

We open the show with the contesticles all talking about how interesting JoJo is, I'm just kidding! They're obviously talking about The Chad. They talk more about Chad than Donald Trump talks about himself. The Chad & Choady James Marsden (aka Alex) are out on their two on one date & once the guys see a PA come pick up Chad's suitcase & take it away they start screaming like they're being circumcised as they jump in the air giving each other high fives. They all scream "hell yeah!" at the top of their lungs & give each other intense bro hugs.

James Taylor aka Ugly Chris Pratt says, "Alex did his job & now the world is right. We have defeated evil"

You're not Seal Team 6 who just killed Bin Laden, calm down. Aaron Rodgers’ brother is celebrating like he just won the Super Bowl because lets face it this is the closest he will ever come to knowing what that feels like.

Just when I think my eyeballs can't roll any further in the back of my head they all go out on the deck & Ugly Chris Pratt brings his guitar – because of course he does, he's like Lynus with the fucking blanket, the only difference is the blanket didn't ear rape us. Ugly Chris Pratt plays the 4 chords he knows over & over as the gonads all stand in a circle of plaid shirts & v-necks like a femmy cult about to do a sacrifice. Wells Fargo (who was the one I hated the least till now) stands in the center as the master of ceremonies holding a giant container of protein powder because the producers love any excuse for forced prop comedy.

"We are gathered here today to honor who is arguably the worst person anyone has ever met"

You do realize people have met Kim Jong-un, Charles Manson & Paul Ryan Right?

The Chad's honestly the WORST person anyone has ever met? You think a guy who had Kenny Powers confidence & worked out a lot is the ultimate Anti Christ and should be put at the top of the list before Brock Turner?

Was The Chad arrogant? Yes. Did he threaten violence after 3 weeks of being provoked by insults & guys instigating fights with him? Yes. But Mr. Polly Pocket threatened the same amount of violence to him but I guess those didn't count because he is the size of Peter Dinklage so the only real damage he can do is tying your shoelaces together & biting your ankles.

The only person The Chad actually did anything to was Evalyn & it wasn't even to him it was to his $15 dollar shirt. I don't blame The Chad, even Evalyn's own immune system is trying to fight him, he's had like 7 nosebleeds since being in the house or maybe its just his face getting its period.

If they honestly think The Chad is the worst person ever then they live a very charmed life  in a Lisa Frank painted world. The Chad is a "luxury" real estate agent from Tulsa, not a member of ISIS.

Has he fucked any of your moms? Did he walk out on your sister after she told him she was pregnant with his baby? Did he shoot Cecil the lion? Their group hatred & obsession over one person is insane. It's ironic that they all whined & tattled to Brunette Isla Fischer about The Chad being a bully while all 15 of them are outside doing a hatred circle jerk about ONE guy. Yeah, that’s not mob mentality bullying at all. Do you not realize that ALL of you are douchebags? Seriously this entire house came from the Summers Eve aisle. At least The Chad had hilarious & accurate commentary.

Evalyn the wormy ex pastor/boner specialist who looks like the weird brother from Wedding Crashers says, "We are all having a funeral, we are taking his protein powder that is left over & spreading his protein ashes"

Speaking of funerals I'm going to have one for my vagina, because it shriveled up & died watching this scene. Evalyn does his confessional in what appears to be another $15 American Apparel shirt that has protein powder or dandruff all over it. I’m pretty sure its dandruff because his hair looks greasier than a plate of Chinese food.

This MENstration group should have thrown a funeral for the audience because the only entertaining person on this 2 hour time suck is now officially gone. Watching Bracelet aka Ben Higgins the human pillow talk about how his best friends were at risk 11 year olds at the youth center was even more entertaining than watching these dickholes.

The gonads all take a handful of white protein powder & throw it over the balcony as they squeal & cheer like a Bachelorette party throwing penis confetti. God, why was it protein powder & not Anthrax?

Wells Fargo dramatically says "Death to tyrants!" Wow Wells, all that Game of Thrones cosplay you do on the weekends has clearly paid off!

He then kicks the protein tub over the balcony & all I can think besides how much this group of "men" makes me want to become a lesbian is how many takes did it take for him to actually get the kick right. Also, way to litter in a forest!

People say women are catty & dramatic? Did you see the girls last season hold a fake funeral for Olivia and her 137 teeth once she was kicked off? I don't think so.

How did Canadian compare The Chad to Hitler but never compare Alex to Napoleon? Also Hitler was way closer to Alex’s height than The Chad.

Of course The Chad (aka the producers decide to make him) go back to the house. He stands outside the door looking in as he keeps knocking like he's a Jehovah's Witness. Canadian in his sleeveless hoodie sweatshirt (which I guess if for when your chest & head are freezing but your arms are hot)opens the door.

Evalyn glares at him with his arms crossed like he's protecting his dungeons of dragons cards all while safely hiding behind Aaron Rodgers’ brother, like the limp penis of a man he is.

Evalyn- "I hope Chad’s not here for his protein powder or were all going to be toast!" What a Manly sentence. Evelyn has the comebacks of Screech, but with even less masculinity.

They all stare at him & Canadian awkwardly asks him how the date went as if they don't already know. Chad says how on their one on one time that Choady James Marsden spent the entire time talking about him. He's not wrong.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother "I understand what it would be like to have a group of people not see the way you see things, so if you want to take this time to be genuinely sorry that would be great for all of us"

So you want a guy that all of you harassed, provoked & shit talked to apologize to all of you for your hurt feelings?

Chad says he's not going to apologize because he doesn't regret anything he said.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother "I’m sorry that you can’t be man enough to apologize when I apologized & all of us just apologized"

Umm no you didn't apologize, you demanded that he should & literally no one else said anything except glare.

Jordan tells Chad to shake his hand again & Chad won't. He already shook your hand once Jordan, which I imagine is sticky with hair gel so I don't blame him for not doing it again, you guys didn't just close a luxury real-estate business deal.

Before The Chad leaves Shakespeare Villain Evan does the masculine move of asking-

"Do you have your wallet on you? You owe me a shirt"

Actually Evan now you owe me a shirt because I just threw up a little on mine.

The Chad says, "Are you that broke? I thought you owned dick clinics?"

I can't believe this gift of a man is now leaving. Ugh this makes me feel like when Olivia was left on that island, there goes our entertainment. WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO NOW?!? I HAVE TO WATCH THESE FUCKING PIECES OF CELERY FOR HOW MANY MORE WEEKS?!

They bring him a tray of cupcakes – How else do you celebrate a child’s accomplishment? He smashes his face into them. No surprise we all know those baby cake-smashing parties are very popular.

Hey Evalyn, did this cake remind you of your 3 children's birthdays you're probably missing?

It's now the cocktail party in the reception hall of the hotel (the kind you have company seminars at). For some reason Blow Out is dressed in a sequin pageant gown, it looks great on her but why is she dressed so fancy for a cocktail party? Is there a Miss Pennsylvania pageant going on in one of the other halls? Why are you wearing a Fritze Bernais?

The guys are also dressed up in their best Men’s Wearhouse suits & it looks like they were all groomsmen in a wedding where Lord Farquad was the ring bearer.

First up is Chase (the less attractive & even less interesting version of Jordon Rodgers) he takes her outside & says dopily "I stole some of the knocker balls" from where? The housekeeping cart in the hotel? Were they next to the mini shampoo & conditioners?

She looks at him and acts shocked "OMG chase! You didn't!"

You're right JoJo, he didn't! A PA had to go to the nearest Dicks Sporting Good store & buy them and then place them in the bushes exactly where the producers marked out for you to stand.

"OMGoooddd" laughs & puts her hands to her face  "That's amazing!!!!"

Has anyone noticed that JoJo's reaction to everything is to act like Taylor Swift at award shows? She always puts her hands over her mouth & goes "OMG No! Really! WHAT?!That’s amazing!!"

Doofus traps her in the ball with him & he says “My relationship with JoJo at this point is incredibly comfortable.”

 -Yeah, it looks super comfortable!-

Which producer was in charge of pitching this idea? "Ok so I know that we NORMALLY have them sit on a secluded bench somewhere but what I think would be really great since she's going to be in a gown & heels on cement – lets have her look like the bubble boy! Huh? Huh? Good right?!

Next is Former Swimmer Robby & he takes her outside to the giant hotel fountain, after that last bullshit move I'm afraid the producers next zany activity is going to have them get in the fountain & reenact the FRIENDS opening instead Robby tells her he wants them to make wishes- barf. Its more of a literal move from the fountain thing, what's even worse is Blow Out asks him "How do we do this?!" as if the penny he just handed her was a fucking Rubik’s Cube.

Robby: “I can't tell you my wish but I’ll give you a hint… it has to do with you and I… like, a very intensely shiny object… 42 days from now.” Ooh is she going to take a knife & stab him in 42 days!? At least now we have something to look forward to!

Oh he's talking about an engagement ring? For some reason I feel he has more experience giving the person he's dating a cock ring.

All the contesticles look on angrily through the hotel window like peeping Toms as they complain that he's kissing her, have they not realized that’s what has been happening at least 14 times a day for the last 3 weeks. Why all of a sudden are you guys afraid of getting mono? She has kissed more in 3 weeks than I have my 27 years of being alive.

If I was a hotel guest & I saw JoJo in her gown & Robby next to her I would assume that’s just her gay pageant coach or hairdresser.

Evelyn-“Now everybody’s kind of starting to look around like, ‘has he kissed her?’… Everybody’s kind of judging where each guy stands, so I think everybody’s a little bit nervous.” Ok it's not a Clue. We're not trying to figure out who finger banged her in the library with a candlestick.

Next- James F (Who? Exactly). At first I just thought he was a really dressed up camera guy that happened to be in the shot by mistake but I guess he's a contestant? Kudos to you James for managing to stay completely hidden yet make it to the free trip. The invisible man sits next to Blow Out & says the worst 4 words you can hear from a guy –

"I have a poem"

Me-

I would rather have a guy tell me "I gave you AIDS" at least then I could reach my goal weight of Tom Hanks in Philadelphia.

Hey guy who we've never seen till tonight – you're not Dr. Seuss or Shel Silverstein no one wants to hear your poem . He reads this terrible poem that sounds like it was written by a child who was held back a couple grades. JoJo tears up, I would too, because I would be crying with laughter. I think her eyes are watering because she's biting her tongue so hard that her mouth is filling up with blood.

Right then Baby Gaston walks in, ugh just when I thought it couldn't get worse than the poem, I was wrong. He sits down next to her (of course his feet don't tough the ground) & tells her that his focus is all on her, really? because this entire season all we have heard you talk about is The Chad & other contestants enough to where it sounds like you have a string theory chart about all of them like you're fucking Carrie in Homeland.

Luke who looks who looks like a Dragon Ball Z character sits down & talks to her & in the 4 minutes of him talking to her we see him blink once. He tells her since meeting her "my heart beats a lot faster now," maybe that’s just your PTSD Luke.

Evelyn  complains, "now that The Chad is gone all the other guys have turned into mini chads" or in Alex’s case mini mini (not) fun sized Chad.

Non-Blinker asks Evelyn "Have you gone yet? Because I'm going for seconds if you don't want to go" I love that Isla Fischer is being talked about like she's an all you can eat buffet.

Evalyn answers "I'm trying!" trying? All you have to do is walk into the next room.  It took you longer to put on the 19 pieces of jewelry that you're wearing than it would to walk over & weird her out.

"It's crazy how all the guys who are so compassionate for JoJo & are willing to jump in front of me." Oh come on Evelyn, don't pretend you wouldn't love to play naked leapfrog with these guys. You're an ex-pastor/current boner specialist – the two creepiest jobs you can have.

No one feels compassion for you Evalyn. The only person I have compassion for is the woman you somehow convinced to have sex with you 3 times. You are the best advertisement for your business because you are epitome of a flaccid penis – weird looking & you just hang there completely useless.

Aaron Rodgers’ brother than takes her by the hand in front of everybody & as they turn the corner of the rec hall he literally shoves her into the corner & starts attacking her face drunk like a drunk groomsmen with one of the bridesmaids. They are kissing so loud that it sounds like a toothless woman eating corn on the cob. If only he had kept his hands on the ball as much as he's keeping his hands on JoJo’s ass he would probably still be a football player.

As the guys sit on the other side of the wall as the obvious winner dry humps her on the other side Evelyn whimpers "I haven't gotten time with her yet!" Yes, I’m sure after feeling Jordan’s non-flaccid penis against her dress she really wants to have one on one time with the a guy who looks like he'd play the pedophile on Law & order SVU who is wearing more jewelry than Steven Tyler.

It's now The 7 Eleven rose ceremony & she cuts the poem guy & Canadian.

Canadian - “I just wasn’t the type of guy for her, and fair enough. She’s obviously going for personality and obviously my personality is shit.”

-I have never seen someone so self aware-

He continues, “If this was based solely on looks, there’s a good chance I would still be here"

Really? I guess if it was based solely on who looks most like a vampire/street magician than yes.

"There’s millions of people in the world, and you know, the chance of her falling for me, I got a better chance of getting struck by lightning… while you know… shaving my face.”

Why are you shaving your face outside? Getting struck by lightning while shaving your face is technically THE most statistically improbable event besides me sleeping with Lord Farquad.

I want the confidence that The Chad & Canadian have, they need to bottle it & sell it. I have gone to countless therapists, healers & hypnotists and I've never once had that delusional confidence I so desire.

Pageant Gown tells the remaining douches "I’m ready to take this international! I’m gonna take you guys somewhere exotic and romantic." MORE EXOTIC THAN NEMACOLIN, PENNSYLVANIA?!?

"We are headed south, to where South America’s most elite go to play. We are going to Punta del Este, Uruguay.”

OMG Uruguay?! How romantic! Where are the next trips to Ethiopia & Iraq? Where South America's most elite go to play? I had no idea that Sophia Vergara & Shakira’s favorite "play" spot was Uruguay!

All the guys scream with excitement like they know where the fuck that is. I wish they would have had them all have to show on a map where Uruguay is & since none of them would be able to do it the show would be over. This is the most torturous show I have ever seen. The reason it took me over a week to write this is because I watched it in 10-minute increments. The only enjoyable thing about this show are JoJo’s outfits, why can’t she just be a fashion blogger on Instagram & save us all from this torture? The only person I liked on the show was The Chad & now that he's gone we are left with these dickholes who collectively have the personality of a wet paper towel roll. We have 46 more hours of this? Barf.

Next, we see stock footage of Uruguay as JoJo’s voice over says how beautiful the beaches are & how the people are so friendly – yes I’m sure you spent a lot of time with the locals JoJo. She continues talking about the sights & culture of Uruguay as we see her sitting safely in her hotel room 108 stories up from the actual streets of Uruguay at a coffee table drinking tea looking out the window. It’s clear the only local she has met is her room service guy.

The sponsorship is The Grande Hotel, which looks like a fancy Sheraton. The guys all start fist pumping & hollering as they walk up to the hotel in a horizontal line, ya know how you normally walk like you’re in a firing squad? They all say how they can't believe they're getting to stay here, um, have you never seen a hotel room before? You're acting like a bunch of Amish guys on rumspringa. You're sharing a hotel room with 500 count sheets calm down.

Evelyn-"We even have a 360 degree view of the ocean!" No you don't, your hotel isn't on an island.

Napoleon runs to open the envelope & reads the date card like it's a birthday card from his grandma that has a whole $20 in it.

"Jordan....." as he realizes that’s it's not his name on the card he slows down & takes a pause like he's Maury announcing the results of a paternity test as if reading the card slower will make Jordan late for his date & he won't get to see JoJo.

After taking 3 minutes to read the 6 words on the card, Mr. Polly Pocket finishes & all of the guys sit stone faced & glaring at Jordan with jealousy as Jordan does a slow clap for himself. He gets up & goes into the bathroom to run his hands through his hair 50 times like he's Marsha Brady & also to change into an identical v-neck as he was wearing before that’s just a slightly darker shade of green than the last one.

I hope the sight of the brand new v-neck he just put on leads Evelyn to start cutting himself, at least he has 37 bracelets to cover the scars.

Wells-" I was kind of angry, it should be my name on that card."

You know where your name shouldn't have been? Your birth certificate because it’s fucking awful. Wells says Aaron Rodgers’ brother is only on this show for another stamp on his passport. That’s not fair I’m sure Aaron Rodgers’ brother gets to travel all the time to go watch his brother be successful.

Vinny the barber who ironically has the worst haircut out of all of them appears to be using binoculars for the first time ever as he just used them to look around the room. If you're using the binoculars to try to find the reason you're still there – don't bother its non-existent.

The puss wad squad continues to complain in their double suite

Unfunny Jim Halpert – Not to stereotype all football players but.... (Well if you’re stereotyping football players, it wouldn't apply to Jordan...just his brother).

Clear eyes full heart can’t lose an opportunity to be the Bachelor!

Lord Farqad -"Jordan’s on a date... cool. I bet they're having a great time"

Ok bitter party of one your high chair is ready!

Meanwhile BlowOut & Jordan meet on the dock & they do their 27th Note Book kiss where she runs to him,he lifts her up and they makes out. I swear the only time his hands aren't holding her up by her ass as they kiss is when she's in a full-length skintight gown.

They make out on the boat some more & then Jordan points & says "seals" like a child at a zoo.Blow Out does her over excited shocked laugh "OMG!!!! " Clasps her hands in front of her mouth-"You can see them!?"

Yeah JoJo he can see them because there are literally a hundred of them on the beach – I know football players have a lot of concussions according to that Will Smith movie but he's not Stevie Wonder.

Hopefully this goes better than Pig Island last season. It's ironic they would choose a swimming date for the people who spend the most time on their hair out of everyone on the show. They dryhump in the water as she rides his midsection as the seals swim away from them because even they're uncomfortable with PDA. If their suits weren't wet before they definitely are now.

Back at the hotel the gossip queens are at Vinnie’s "barber shop" & by barber shop I mean that they took the vending machines out of the corner of hallway & put up a paper sign that says "Vinny's barber shop" written in highlighter by a rushed PA.

I'm sorry but it's not a barbershop unless Cedric the Entertainer is sitting in a chair dressed as an old man. Lord Farquad is getting his haircut & I’m surprised he’s not sitting in a space ship chair that they use for when children get their hair cut.

He says how "Jordan is a former NFL player so JoJo already knew who he was going into this." Um He's not Tom Brady. "He's not here for the right reasons." Thank god we have Napoleon as the right reasons police! He was the kid in his school that would remind the teacher she hadn't collected the homework yet & took hall monitoring way too seriously.

The right reasons to come on this show – to get 15 minutes of fame, gain a couple thousand new Instagram followers & hopefully another paycheck to go on Bachelor In Paradise. I would say the wrong reason to come on this show was if you were genuinely looking for love & to have people respect you.

The producers have clearly been watching UnReal & stole one of their plot lines by planting a tabloid magazine about JoJo in Vinny's "barber shop". Of course it’s brought up very naturally

Unfunny Jim Halpert- " Oh-my-god Vinny... What is this?"

Wells Fargo – Cmon man why you keeping these gossip magazines?

Farquad- "yeah man WHAT'S UP WITH THAT"

Vinny- "Men love gossip"

JoJo's boobs are more natural than this dialogue. It sounds like a bad play that aliens wrote about humans but that they didn't really work that hard on.

Lord Farqad "if its true no one’s going to think she's really here for love & that it’s just for publicity." He sits there angrily staring at the magazine. Listen, I know you're disappointed it's not a Highlights magazine & you didn't get to find the toaster in the tree but calm the fuck down.

The pusswad squad continues complaining (big surprise)

Wells -"I sacrificed a lot to be here!"

No you didn't. You went through 10 auditions to get to leave your job for 3 months for free trips & to make out with a stranger while promote your morning zoo radio show- call down. You clearly didn't sacrifice your training for a body building competition, the only thing you sacrificed was your dignity.

Back at the basic suite all the contesticles are talking about if she's here for the wrong reasons. Jesus Christ she's not here to steal everyone social security cards.

Blow Out & Aaron Rodgers Brother are at the dinner date which of course they don't eat. The only nutrients JoJo gets is from champagne & men's saliva that’s how she stays so skinny. She tells him that she has a fear of getting her hear broken, wow how isolating it must be for her that she is the only person in the world with that specific fear.

JoJo says how she had met one of his ex's & she said that he wasn't a good boyfriend. He blinks at her like he's doing Morse code with eyes. He's blinked more in the last minute than Luke has the past 5 episodes. He’s now manically brushing his hair back that I’m surprised he has any hair left.

He says the reason his relationship suffered was "My number one priority was sports, I was focused on becoming the best football player I could be.” Well we all know how well that turned out...

She asks if there was cheating & before she can even finish her question he blurts "NO!" Way too quickly. Yeah that doesn't look guilty at all. She looks at him suspiciously "I wish I could read your mind."

"I’m really not thinking anything." That’s the most honest thing Jordan ever said there is NOTHING that he's thinking on this date, or ever. The only thing going on in his mind is a highlight reel of his glory days of being a quarterback.

Jordan does the hail mary move of "my pastor always told me" this is my 3rd "FUCK NO" on a date

, 1) Here’s a song

2) Here's a poem

3) My pastor said

I'd rather hear you quote Jeff Foxworthy "You know you're a redneck when..." than quote a fucking church mentor.

Aaron Rodgers Brother - "Don't say you love someone unless you're willing to put a ring on their finger"

So your pastor was Beyonce?

He tells her how he's falling in love with her & JoJo basically asks him if there will come a point where he'll be too afraid of his feelings for her that he'll run away. Ok Michael Scott.

Brunette Isla Fischer Confessional -"I was so scared during this conversation with Jordan, but now I'm not as scared anymore"

Scared? Did you think he was going to pull a Ray Rice? Or dump you on the middle of your non eating dinner date? That’s ridiculous he still has so much camera time to soak up!

They of course go for a walk & just happen to run into a mariachi band playing at 1 am in the middle of a courtyard & Jordan dances proving he is the whitest person alive. I’m surprised he didn't do The Carlton. No wonder other countries hate Americans. I hate us after watching this show.

We get back to the hotel & as if this show isn't boring enough they literally show her pushing the button for the elevator, waiting for the elevator, her getting in the elevator pressing her floor button & waiting for it to go up, her getting out of the elevator & her walking down the hallway to the room, it literally looks like a video teaching people how to get into a hotel room.

In her confessional "I’m just so happy I don't think anything could take away this feeling" cue the pa from UnReal automatically saying "I want to show you something" as he hands her the tabloid" "open it up" yeah open it up to the page they clearly marked for you.

The contesticles fill Aaron Rodgers’ brother in on what forced drama is happening. Vine decides to speak his 8th sentence on the show "well there was a tabloid-" as he's quickly cut off by you guessed it! It really is true, kids never shut the fuck up.

Lord Farqaud who for some reason is shirtless by the way when everyone else is fully clothed?! I'm not sure what’s worse about Alex his personality or his tattoos, which are bigger than he is.

JoJo is "crying" in her testimonial as her eye makeup remains perfect & no tear streaks on her foundation. Just like Vinny her tears are invisible.

She's so fake upset she forgets to put on her shoes . She cries to the contesticles about the article & says how ashamed she is to be in this magazine, like it’s a picture of her in Hustler wearing nothing but a swastika armband. It’s a 2-page interview your ex gave to In Touch, calm the fuck down. I would love to be in ANY magazine!

Lord Farqad "This just shows what an asshole THAT CHAD IS ALSO!" His gap kids pants tighten a little more now that he gets to bring up The Chad again.

All the guys get in line to hug her as she holds tightest to Jordan hoping that Evalyn will eventually get tired of waiting for his hug & go back to his room to sort out his man jewelry.

The next day is group date as Aaron Rodgers Brother & Former Swimmer have their zany man spa date. They're in robes, facemarks & cucumbers on their eyes getting pedicures.

BUT WAIT, THEY ARE MEN! THIS IS HILARIOUS BECAUSE THE ROLES ARE REVERSED! HOW SILLY! LOOK NOWS HES EATING THE CUCUMBER OFF HIS EYES LOLOLOLOL

For the group date we see JoJo in the sand dunes & we can already tell this is going to be worse than Sex & The City 2 . She's in black leggings, boots, a wife beater with a jeweled armband & a plaid shirt tied around her waist- you know in case it gets cold in the sand dessert of South America. Who knew that the same outfit you would wear to a Beyonce concert is also the ideal outfit to wear sand surfing?! Also why are we in a desert sand surfing when there is actual ocean & another opportunity to put JoJo in a bikini?

We start the zany sand surfing date & I think it's nice that there is a grain of sand for every time they mentioned Chad’s name. Lord Farquad loves this date because it reminds him of being in his sandbox at the playground .Big surprise who the worst is -fucking Evalyn. I would love to see the b roll of all the times Evayln & Farquad fell, I’m shocked none of the contestant have "former sand surfer " as a job title.

Non-Blinker- "this hill is steep enough to break somebody's leg"

Fingers crossed! It would be great if it was Alex & then all the Oompa Loompas back at the factory could sign his cast.

I wish instead of sand boarding it had been water boarding. I'm just wishing that giant sand tiger from Aladdin would have eaten all of them except for Implants.

Back at the Sheraton, Former Swimmer gets a date card & says

"Tomorrow everyone in America will see whose in love with JoJo! (does finger guns at himself)"

America already knows whose in love with JoJo-her brothers. Also you're in love with her? Tomorrow is literally your first date with her.

-Who has two thumbs and is a closeted homosexual with a fake job? THIS GUY!-

At the cocktail party we play the game of Hot JoJo Potato as we toss her around.

Lord Farquad "everyone thinks Derricks a good guy, BUT I DONT, I DONT LIKE THE GUY! I think he's a very calculated person, a very jealous person & gives off this vibe of insecurity!"

Are you describing yourself? The night you met her you insisted she watch you do pushups. Farquad you calling someone insecure is like Giuliana Rancic calling someone anorexic.

Angry Elf now has his time as he sits on his highchair at the bar grasping on to her hand so tightly I thought it was going to break. Yeah, you're not insecure at all.

He tells her "This is as real as it’s ever been in my whole life, you can’t get this connection with text messages ya know."

You know your life is bad when the realest "love " you've ever felt for a person is a girl you've known for 3 weeks that you've shared with 25 other guys on a reality show.

Angry Elf you're a walking emoji of the shit icon.

JoJo is still talking about the magazine "last night reading that magazine, it was one of the worst nights of my life"

Really? I thought one of the worst nights of your life would have been when Bracelet dumped you in front of America.

She gives Jim Halpert the safety rose & angry baby is so mad by this I’m shocked he didn't smash his beer sippy cup against the wall.He's pissed because Jim Halpert got "the pitty rose" Where was your anger earlier this season when Evelyn got a sympathy rose literally saying "either give me the rose over Chad or I’m leaving. "

Lord Farquads confessional: “My mind has officially been blown. She literally said, ‘I’m gonna give you this rose for your reassurance.’ So, now I get to speculate that he told her that he needs validation. He’s an insecure little bitch… I don’t need a group-date rose to feel okay. That’s the difference between myself and Derek is I don’t want the pity rose.”

No, the difference between you & Derrick is 8 inches.

The next day we see Blow Out on the beach playing hide & seek with a "stray dog" aka one of the productions dogs because they cant risk a stray going Kujo on her & giving the bachelorette rabies. Honestly, I’d rather sleep with the dog than any of these contestants.

You know back at the hotel Angry Elf is saying, "That dog is here for the wrong reasons!"

Although if Angry Elf was on the date they could do a beach trail ride with JoJo on a horse & Elf riding the dog.

Blow Out-"It's our last day here so I want us to spend the day soaking up the South American culture"

Oh, so you guys are going to be doing cocaine & hiding from human traffickers?! No – instead they do something that’s even more authentic to South American culture – they try on silly hats!!! LOLOLOLOL

Former Swimmer puts on a newsboy cap (barf) & JoJo says "You look like Ryan Gosling right now!" Well, they are both male & they are both breathing so I guess?

They eat from a food truck, "Cheers to authentic Uruguay food!" Yes paninis are native to Uruguay!

Swimmer -"I love Uruguay food!”

Of course you do Robby! I’m sure there’s tons of Uruguayan cuisine restaurants in Jacksonville, FL. If you had to manufacture a person who looks like a trust fund baby that spent his summers as a kid at the country club, it would be Robby.

They go rock climbing & Closet Case asks if she'll jump off the cliff with him. You wouldn't have to ask me twice to jump off a cliff, I'd rather do that than continue watching this show.

His shorts are brighter than the sun in a print that looks like he stole it from Zach Morris in the Saved by the Bell Hawaii episode. It’s a testament to how hot Jojo is that she's even able to pull off wearing those rock climbing toe shoes.

If there’s any two people on this show who should be jumping into sharp rocks it's Farquad & Evalyn.

They do the stereotypical jump scene where they can talk for 10 minutes after about how it shows that it’s about taking risks with each other & they have the strength to trust the unknown blahahaha, water makeout, water makeout. She keeps saying how this really showed how much she trusted Swimmer. It should be how much you trust the show intern who they had jump off the cliff first to test it.

Meanwhile Farquad & Chase (the less attractive & interesting version of Jordan) try to intimidate Unfunny Jim Halpert the same way they did to Chad. I used to think Evelyn was the absolute worst but Angry Elf surpasses that.

I get he was a marine & I appreciate his service to our country, but I don't appreciate his service on my television.

Farquad to Unfunny Jim Halpert "She could have said I chose to give this rose to a guy because I like him a lot BUT SHE DIDNT SAY THAT instead she said I’m giving this rose to reassure someone. You don't need to prove anything to me."

(Except how you're here for the right reasons because I told everyone that you weren't)

"We don't go around picking fights with people. I’m not saying that you're weak I’m just saying that its almost too good" as he & his tall stupider sidekick laugh.

Chase – "I’m done here are you done here?"

Angry Elf – in his best Straight out of Compton voice "yeah we done"- ok strap him back in his baby bjorn chase!

Unfunny Jim Halpert in his confessional says, "They are acting like Mean Girls"

Chase is Gretchen Weiners "Regina doesn't even like you that much! Why would she give you a rose!?"

Do we hate Alex because he's short? Or is he short because we hate him?

Robby & JoJo are at the "romantic dinner" portion were the Swimmer says his sob story. He tells her that what brought him here is that his childhood friend died in a car accident a year ago" blah blah blah I realize you have to live for today blah blah blah

"And that my friend, well...he would want me to be here.” Yes I’m sure that’s on his headstone. I hope that if I die my best friend will mention it in the same sentence as when she tells someone she loves them on a reality show

" with that being said with the passing of my friend – I need to tell you I love you"

JoJo's response "Thank you so much" & then gives him the rose just so the ghost of his dead friend doesn't follow her around & haunt her in the fantasy suite.

JoJo is like Ariel from the Little Mermaid – gorgeous, looks great in a bikini top & doesn't really say much on a date just stares with her big gorgeous eyes.

We have them kiss on the beach & of course shockingly there are fireworks going off at that exact same time! What are the odds!? It's a good thing they did the fireworks with one of the guys that has a fake job instead of with Non-Blinker the explosion noises could have lead to some bad war flashbacks.

At the cocktail party Jim Halpert tries asks to talk to Jordan, The even dumber version of Jordan (Chase) & Angry Elf.

Jim tries to confront them about their Mean Girl behavior, which they all laugh off, & than accuse him of being sensitive & trying to distract them from the time they should be spending with JoJo at the party-even though she's not even there yet.

Angry Elf-" he's a sensitive little bitch, that’s not normal behavior!"

Yeah like your behavior of talking about every single guy to JoJo & in your confessionals is normal. He takes everything so seriously it's scary. Angry Elf is the type of guy you would see on the news for a road rage incident.

No one's after your Lucky Charms, calm the fuck down.

The Pro Flowers ceremony comes & she FINALLY eliminates Evelyn, along with Handsome Squidward & Vinny the Barber.

Evelyn of course is crying, "I wanted to be a freakin front runner ya know?"

-Front-runners don't say they want to be front-runners. Also the only front-runner you'll ever be is if they have a Shakespearean Villain look a like contest. I hope he at least picked up souvenirs for his 3 children he abandoned for a month.

Evelyn don't forget your painting of The Chad & your 40 pieces of American Eagle jewelry!