"Have you been wondering where all the contesticles got their terrible personalities from? No? Well we're going to show you anyway in an agonizingly long 2 hours!"
Our first trip is to Colorado to visit the human ambient pill Chase. Blow Out & Mongoloid sit on a jagged cliff in front of what I assume is a green screen because the backdrop looks like a screen saver. The reason I think it's fake (besides the fact that everything on this show is) is because due to global warming the snow would have already melted by the time Mongoloid was finished mumbling his sob story of his parents being divorced. He keeps talking about his parents being divorced as if they're both in prison for manslaughter. I guess we now have to be subjected to not just one but two boring home visits because his parents can't even put on a united front for weddings,graduations or national television.
"The divorce was REALLY bad....lawsuits & stuff"
Well at least neither of your parents had to fight over who got custody of your personality.
They go to Mongoloids house & see his staircase. He has clearly fallen down those stairs many times which explains his apparent brain damage. Blow Out keeps saying "This house is nice!" I guess she IS funny!
The doorbell rings & he mumbles "It's my dad...I haven't seen him in a really long time...ok"
WHAT?! If you don't even see your dad why the fuck do we have to?!? ughughughgugh. I guess producers knew that since they don't have some bullshit outside activity set up like dog sledding or snow boarding to distract us from their lack of connection we need to bring in reinforcements. Mongoloids dad didn't even want to be around him & I don't blame him.
His dad arrives & they hug each other as if they both have terrible sunburns all over their bodies. They all sit down on the Ashley furniture couch & Mongoloid decides to use this time to confront his dad about leaving the family. I guess those SciFy movies are true, robots WILL turn on the person who created them.
Why have this conversation with a family therapist when you can have it in front of the girl you have been fake dating for five weeks, ten producers, five camera operators & the boom mic operator!? At least if your dad tries to abandon you (again) during this discussion the camera crew can run after him like on Cops or How to catch a Predator!
Mongoloid is like that terrible Eddie Murphy movie 1000 words so I guess the reason he hasn't talked all season if he was saving all his words up for this.
Quote "I m just having a hard time figuring out why it hasn't worked..why did not.....your first marriage work out?"
Aaaww sweetie, you don't have to say "you're having a hard time figuring out" I think that's already implied...
I know you're as dumb as your stairs look, but do you really not get that 50% of marriages end in divorce? His dad seems nice & this scene is like watching if two robots were on Iyanlah Fix My Life.
My body feels like I drank a gallon of NyQuil. They should have a disclaimer before Mongoloid's scenes that you should not drive or operate heavy machinery after viewing.
We now have to go visit his mom & his sister-who apparently couldn't be bothered to wash her hair or put on mascara before going on national television. Mongoloid & his sister talk about how the divorce really affected their childhood & now it makes it difficult for them to have normal relationships. They talk about their childhood like it was the inspiration for the movie "ROOM". Get the fuck over it, if Jaycee Dugard can move on so can you.
Blow Out & his mom go outside & sit on a broken ski lift. The ski lift has the best personality out of the whole family. Blow Out gets in her Uber Black to go visit a family rift we ACTUALLY care about.
We go to Chico California which would be much more interesting if it were Chino California where Ryan Atwood is from. They have Blow Out do her confessional in a bush in the forest as five deer go running by. That is by far & away the most exciting thing to happen this season. I wish we could see how many interns they made go run through the forrest trying to chase deer into running in the right direction for camera.
It's a hometown visit so where do you think he brings her? His highschool of course! Cue the song Glory Days by Bruce Springsteen. They walk up to the school & on the sign outside it says "Welcome Jordan & Jojo"
She squeals "OMG! This is AMAZING! I can't believe you did this!"
Calm down, that sign was just flashing the Teacher of the Month two seconds earlier. We meet his coach & Jimmy Newtron passive aggressively says "he decided he didn't want to start me!" oh so it wasn't just the NFL coaches! It's a shame he's way to vain to cover up his face & hair in a mascot costume because with his height & desperation to be part of a team I think he would have been great at it.
They go into the school library & he pushes her up again the history books session & dry humps her. This is the closest he's cum to reading a book in a long time...
They go into a janitors closet I mean an "office" that the interns had to transform with wall to wall photos of sweaty young football players from ten years ago. Even Jerry Sandusky didn't have this many pictures in his office.
Jimmy Newtron says "I bet you wont be able to find me in all these pictures!" Literally 2 seconds later Blow Out points & goes "Is that Aaron?" wow! She's amazing at Where's Waldo Where's Olivia Munn's Boyfriend?
He asks her "Do you want to see the football field?" aka "Do you want to see where I had the most success of my whole life?"
Well we do know that high school quarterback who peaked in high school IS her type!
As they sit on the dirty bleachers in her white jeans she asks "I know your brother AARON isn't a part of your life right now, so is it weird to talk about? Should I not bring it up as a topic?"
He answers "Yeah, no, it doesn't have to be brought up or a topic, yeah I'll tell them we discussed it briefly, so it's not a topic, ya know?"
No, we actually don't know because you gave us three different answers.
They walk up to the house compound which has a fountain in the driveway big enough for the entire cast of Friends to dance in. She is holding a much more expensive flower bouquet than the one she brought to Mongoloid's mom which looked like they gave a PA a flower budget of $12. Jimmy Newtron is carrying a small gift bag, is it normal to bring your mom a hostess gift? I wish they would show what's in it, I'm sure it's a bunch of discount items from the ABC store. Congratulations Rodgers' family! You're now the owners of a brand new Blackish coffee mug!
Blow Out's confessional - "I know Aaron won't be here, but I'm excited to meet the other brother luke & the other family!" Sure you are.
Luke the brother no one cares about
His dad looks like he's using one of those weird snapchat filters, that or his dad is Jeff Daniels who got his head smashed in an elevator. The brother Luke looks like Jimmy Newtron's "before" picture if they were in a Hydroxicut commercial. It's insane how all the men in the family look-alike, just in different stages of life. The dad is a terrifying Frankensteintrout ghost of christmas future.
The mom tells a delightful story over dinner "Jordan used to always try to run away, but we told him if he did we would call the police so instead he would just stand at the border of the property with his backpack glaring at us!"
There are two giant empty chairs at the head of the table, I wonder who those could be for?!?!
Blow Out goes to talk to Luke the Joey Fatone of the Rodgers family. She decides to bring up Aaron for the 17th time in this episode. Luke looks more uncomfortable than Mongoloid's dad. "We don't really discuss him" not taking no for an answer or missing out on the chance to meet Olivia Munn she continues with the forbidden subject.
"I can't imagine what it's like for you & the family to have this divide. I mean Aaron...that's your brother! That's Jordan's brother, that's your parent's son!'
Blow Out has a future working for Ancestory.com!
Aaron is even blurred out of the family pictures, he is so far estranged that he apparently won't even sign ABC's photo release to show his likeness on camera! But we do get to see Jimmy Newtron's picture that makes him look like the team rapist.
I'm so curious about the skeletons in this family's closet. A son who constantly tried to run away from home & a son who won't come home at all means they are a three-part Dr. Phil episode waiting to happen.
Before she leaves for the airport Jimmy Newtron makes out with her & whispers "Don't ever doubt this"
*This-My desire to be the next Bachelor
Now we visit former swimmer/current homosexual Robby in St Augustine, Florida. Ken Doll is in his signature salmon.
He tells her "I have a hard time whistling so can you do it for me?" Oh c'mon Robby you whistle, just pretend you're in the audience at a Chippendales show!
She whistles & we see a horse carriage come around the corner. We've had more horse scenes than hot tub scenes this season!
He asks the driver of the horse carriage "Our carriage drivers name is Robert, is that you?"
Apparently horse carriages are the Ubers of St. Augustine you want to make sure you get in the right one. Gay Ken Doll says "Wow I can't believe your names Robert too, we're the same!"
No, this Robert has a job.
They start the carriage tour & Gay Will Forte gives boring facts about the town but unfortunately not one about why there are people dressed in full pirate costumes walking the streets. Blow Out keeps saying how impressed she is with how well he knows the town. I agree, I bet he knows all the best glory holes & tanning salons in town!
They go to his home & she is carrying a bouquet that I'm sure Robby arranged himself. He is carrying 6 gift bags like he just came from a Mary Kay party. This is the first family visit in the show where it appears everyone is still on speaking terms with each other.
Blow Out & his mom sit on the bed with their shoes on (barf) & his mom mentions how close Robby & her are and that they tell each other everything. A gay man being close with his mom? Shocking. Blow Out tells the mom that she's falling in love with Robby "I wasn't sure at the start of the date but after the ride & meeting you now I'm sure" you changed your mind after 3 hours of Florida humidity? You're as insane as Alex the toy soldier!
The mom then goes & talks to her hair dresser son & tells him "There's an issue out in the world"
Hunger? Poverty? Donald Trump?
No, something MUCH worse.
"Your ex girlfriends roommate made it look like you broke up with her to go on the show"
His response "In person or on-line?"
Yes Robby, she's doing it in person. She's been standing in the town square shouting it at the top of her lungs!
His face is now the same salmon color as his shirt. I can't tell if it's because he's angry or if it's because he forgot to wear his SPF tinted moisturizer on the carriage date. He decides to go tell Blow Out right away who is still sitting on the bed with her shoes on (barf.)
He tells her what's going on & she begs him to tell her the truth. "You broke up with your girlfriend of 4 years 3 months ago, is that the same time you found out you were going to be on the show?"
He responds with "NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! That's not it, no!"
The more you say the word "no" the more it's a clear "yes".
She tells him how this terrifies her that he could be here even though he's not over his ex from 3 months ago because she's so CLEARLY over Ben who broke up with her 3 months ago.
Her car is here for the airport, it's raining as he walks her out with an umbrella so he doesn't mess up his spray tan. She gets in the car & he leaves the umbrella right in the street, you know like how you always leave your umbrella!
We now go to Texas to visit Luke the non blinker. We have shots of him walking on a train track & various shots of him leaning against a wall with a "pensive" look. Like Mongoloid & Zoolander, he only has one look.
He greets Blow Out & it looks like a hollywood set of an abandoned western town, there are no cars or people.They of course go sit on a bench, jesus they've sat on more benches this season than I have my whole life. I thought public benches were for the homeless & for at risk youth to graffiti?
She's wearing a stereotypical "hot girl trying to look country as a last-minute Halloween costume" with white cut off shorts,a chambray shirt that also buttons up the back for some reason, and cowboy boots. She didn't even wear cowboy boots when she was on the horseback riding date!
Non Blinker drives her around in his giant pickup truck & I'm sure production had to cover the picture of Calvin peeing on a picture of Bin Laden.They drive down a dirt road & she sees a bunch of cars parked in field "Why are their so many cars?" a better question would be "why do half these truck have nuts hanging from them?"
The reason there are so many cars is because he turned meeting his family into a hootenanny. There are 50 people there, so basically everyone who lives in the town which explains why the general store was closed. Half the crowd looks like they all made their shirts from the same picnic blanket. As Blow Out is stuck with the crowd of chewing tobacco Non Blinker & his dad go sit on the porch in rocking chairs like they're sitting outside of Cracker Barrel & talk about how much he likes staring at Blow Out.His dad seems nice even though I'm sure we disagree on basically every issue.
As they sit at the table & talk about how great barbecue is which its clear Blow Out must have eaten a lot of it as her lipstick is perfectly in tact & the white shorts are still spotless. Non Blinker announces he has a surprise for her.
You can see on her face she's thinking "Is it Aaron Rodgers?! Please be Aaron Rodgers!"
Non Blinker & her go walk in the pasture & what a surprise! There just happens to be a perfectly constructed couch made from hay bails & decorated with lantern like it's the set of a Lady Antebellum music video. They sit & make out as the sun sets perfectly behind them. It's like the Lifetime channel's version of a Nicholas Sparks movie, normally Luke just looks like the guy who would play the stalker ex boyfriend in a Lifetime movie.
They spend the entire date with their faces an inch apart.He then takes her to a pathway of mason jars leading to a giant heart made out of wild flowers-nicely done interns! Hearts are so hard to make even!
They stand in the middle & make out as a country song plays, thankfully it wasn't a James Taylor Rescue Puppy original. He tells her "You make my heart smile" Clearly Luke takes his lines from Matthew McConaughey. You can almost hear every woman in middle America's ovaries exploding.
Me? I'm more focused on Jojo's hair which after all these outside dates in sweltering heat & it never frizzing or falling once I'm now thinking is a wig. This whole hometown visit looked like it should have been on the CMT channel.
We now go the Pro Flowers rose ceremony that's being held in a plane hanger because Chris Harrison doesn't want to waste time having to drive from the airport to set for his contractional 5 minutes of work so he demanded that they just do it there.
It looks like a Mens Warehouse commercial meets Oceans 11.We see a private plane waiting to whisk the final 3 off & I'm really hoping that Jake Pavelka is the pilot. The red carpet they have set up is longer than the relationship all last.
Blow Out is wearing an amazing electric blue gown that looks like she's going to the Emmys. She clearly was hoping she would get to wear it to the Espy's cough cough.She says in a confessional "I think I have to get rid of Luke" seriously? HOW the fuck is Mongoloid still there? Did he promise you a lifetime supply of Xanax bars?
Right before she starts the elimination the producers give him the cue & Non Blinker says "Can I tallllk to youuuu for a secondddd"
She says "Sure!" like this is normal procedure. They walk down the ridiculously long red carpet out of the plane hanger & the guys all sit there blankly staring. Jimmy Newtron is annoyed, Mongoloid is too busy thinking of what sound an airplane makes & Robby is too busy picturing a Broke Back Mountain situation with Luke.
Outside Non Blinker says in full Kardashian vocal fry "Listen when you were visiting my familyyyy.. I didn't tell youuuuu what I should have told youuu..... and after you left i couldn't stop thinking about it....I should have told you that I love you but I didn't have timeeee"
Yeah instead you were too busy debating your family over bbq. It also takes you 5 minutes to say one sentence. He does a longer pause between each word than Maury reading paternity results. He then goes back in line as the guys just stare right ahead like they're at a urinal.
Outside the plane hanger Blow Out is crying without any tears & pacing back and forth in the gown so fast that she must still be wearing the cowboy boots under the dress.
She just starts frantically talking out loud "What do I do..... I don' understand why he did this now.....I can't make this decision....I can't breathe.....I can't do this!"
She then squats down in the gown like she's peeing because she doesn't want to have to pass the guys in order to get to the plane hanger restroom . We then see "too be continued" flash across the screen.
NO! God fucking dammit! How much longer can this go on! How the fuck did we have to see these hometown visits & we STILL haven't seen Jojo's crazy brothers & her wino mom?
We've seen them as much as we've seen Aaron!
The best part of this episode-Blow Out's gown
The worst part of this episode-the other 118 minutes
Next week there are 2 episodes (fuck me) and one is the Men Yell All episode so at least we get The Chad back!
I love you for reading my Kittens!
XO
A.